Office1000 Blog January Archive

Why Your Blackberry Ain't No Date Book

By Brian K White at 01/23/2007 08:39

Why Your Blackberry Ain't No Date Book

As technology continues its unstoppable progression towards the future, the question of "what's so good about it" become fewer and fewer. Today, the better question isn't what makes technology something you should adopt as much as why it might be something you should resist. As it turns out, a day-planner has many benefits that a Blackberry can't touch; practically as well as legally.

I interviewed an attorney last week about this article, under the belief that I was writing about the myriad benefits of using a Blackberry handheld device. It's a pretty easy technology to adopt, for sure, since it is a telephone, internet connection, and PDA type device few other products can rival. What I didn't realize was the many, inherent, undeniable shortcomings to Blackberry type devices.

First of all, your data isn't exactly set in stone. Though they are fantastic internet devices, they are prone to data loss, but more so to data misplacement. By this I mean that there will be appointments and contacts you make that, no matter how important, will disappear into your forgotten past, even if you don't lose the information outright.

Imagine that; you made an appointment, went out and pitched the client, and then forget to follow up with them because the even occurred in the past. It's easy to meet the needs of items you set in the future, but it's always cumbersome to go back and skim over the appointments you've already had, and right there, at least according to Maria, the attorney, they are already long forgotten.

Worse for her has been that, as an attorney, she can't check her appointment calendar while in court. You know the time, perhaps, when the judge says to your attorney, "Does the 24th at 10:00AM work for you?" She doesn't have an answer because it's against the law for her to turn on her Blackberry in the courtroom, because it's also a cell phone.

So she has her Blackberry, but she also has her notebook planner. That's double duty, and not the sort of truth you'll see in a tech commercial.

Then comes the invariable dead battery situation. Once her battery goes dead, which it frequently does, she has no telephone numbers, no schedule and no idea when she's supposed to be where, and often even the question of with whom she'll meet when she arrives.

Nobody can take your goody gadgets away from you, and heaven help those that might try, but if you haven't used a hand-written planner book or address book in some years, today may be the time to get one and give it another shot. You already know the benefits of the toys and gadgets, but you may have forgotten the benefits of a pocket-sized planner, and for what they cost, trying it out again for the many benefits won't serve you wrong.

By Brian K White

24 Ways to Bore Yourself with a Stapler

24 Ways to Bore Yourself with a Stapler

If you work in an office, much of your day may be dedicated to finding any way possible to while away the endless hours that is the tedium of your mindless existence. While we can't tell you things will make your career more fulfilling, nor your hours pass with a new quickness and benefit, we can help you experience boredom in new and improved methods.

Of all the items in your cubicle, the most common and least used may very well be your stapler. It's a great device in terms of functionality, though it never gets its due credit, so let this be your boredom enhancement tutorial for how to utilize that device to better-than-ever benefit. Please enjoy and drink deep from our cup of wisdom as we present this, our 24 ways to bore yourself with a stapler.

1 – Stare at it while on hold. It will not do anything and it will not help you pass the time.

2 – Place it atop your head while claiming you are from a distant land where such activities are not considered peculiar.

3 – Go in early or stay late an evening and empty the staples from every stapler in the office. While you won't be able to enjoy the frustration it causes, you'll still know that you did it. Empty your own while you're at it, as not to arouse suspicion.

4 – While on hold with a vendor, see how many times you can lick your stapler before your important call is answered in the order in which it was received.

5 – When calling tech support, open your stapler and place it against your head. Commit to yourself that if they tell you to reboot, you'll clamp that steel into your temple. Though perhaps not boring, it is still a viable game to play in any office.

6 – Wage a staple war against the neighboring cubicles. This may not sound boring, but once you see the staples fall with complacent impotence a mere foot or two from where you shot them, you'll quickly realize the lack of joy.

7 – Guess how many staples remain, then count them off as you shoot them into the garbage. You may also want to place over/under wagers to yourself by which you can earn the additional smoke or bathroom breaks you could have just as easily taken by not playing the game in the first place.

8 – While filing documents in the arguably needless file cabinet, take it upon yourself to find individual pages that need to be stapled... not stapled to anything else, but just to themselves. Just single sheets of paper with a staple in the top corner. Nothing says "page 1 of 1" quite like a lone, needless staple.

9 – When you find multi-page documents that should have been stapled, but weren't, count this as your opportunity to fill that staple void by stapling them all yourself, preferably in the middle of each page.

10 – Before sending a document to another department, consider flipping all the pages in random directions prior to stapling them together. It's not that the document deserves it, but that the people who wouldn't take the document a day earlier by email and print the damn thing themselves require a bit of classical conditioning.

11 – Fold one or bunches up and eat it. The risk of ill health as a consequence is low, but not zero. This could be the most exciting boredom you'll ever enjoy at your boss's expense.

12 – Steal box after box of staples from the supply cabinet and place them in your least favorite coworker's lunch box while he or she is outside smoking. It's a bastard thing to do, and if there are hidden cameras around the office you'll be fired, but it might just be worth it, though still quite a boring crime.

13 – Spend countless hours in working your used and unused staples into teeny tiny sculptures. Especially in light of its absurd frailty, it can't be any good in the end, but it can be boring.

14 – Determine how many staples you can fit in your nose. Best advice is to stick to those still stuck together in unused form. To do otherwise might drop an odd staple or twenty into your lungs or tummy, which can also be fun in boring ways, but is best considered as a separate game with its own health and employment risks.

15 – Pierce that piece of skin you always considered with a staple. Though it isn't sanitary, permanent or even remotely wise, it will certainly give you a dull, regrettable story to tell at your next Boggle night. Consider alcohols of rubbing and oral varieties prior to attempting. Though they may not alleviate any pain, they may preclude infection while assuring your judgment remains appropriately at bay.

16 – If you lose a button or your tie clasp fails mid-day, secure it with a staple. What this procedure lacks in excitement, it more than makes up for in boredom.

17 – You can also secure failing pant hems with a staple. It isn't sexy, but neither is your job, and unlike sex, you can actually use a staple in this instance.

18 – When you have uncooperative hair and a lack of gel, mousse or bobby pins, don't fret the frustration, staple those locks into place.

19 – Many men find their dress shirts fail to remain tucked in, some so much that the entire workday is wholly consumed by the perpetual struggle to keep shirts in pants. Consider a quick trip to the bathroom where you can unbutton your pants and staple your shirt tails to your pocket liners. While this is unreliable and ill-advised, it does at least give you something to do. Also, do not attempt this in your cubicle, since even partial removal of trousers can be interpreted as deviant behavior in the office environment.

20 – Find random, unrelated things in your boss's inbox, and staple them together. It's pointless at best, but the confusion it will undoubtedly lead to awkward conversations between persons you don't like as the how's, what's, why's and WTF's of these events.

21 – If your boss brings a cat, dog or other non-aquatic pet to work, recognize that it's inappropriate, and that it's your responsibility to staple random memoranda to this animal. You're not being cruel in this action, but rather lending new credibility to the creature as a bonafide service animal.

22 – Although it won't actually achieve the desired goal, you're always free to staple your stomach so that you can partake of even more of the morning meeting doughnuts. Strongly advised is the coincidental use of a red shirt or blouse.

23 – If you have a hundred-page stapler, as used on large documents and ebooks, consider using it to staple your coworkers to their chairs when they fall asleep. These staplers are much quieter than traditional staplers, and far more binding as well.

If you're done thinking about staples and staplers, now may be the time to bite the staple-shaped bullet and place that office supply order you've been pretending to research these past five minutes; and there's no better way to do it than by putting that shiny new stapler on order that you've had your eye on all this time.

By Brian K White

How Post-It™ Notes can Make You More Successful

How Post-It™ Notes can Make You More Successful

Everyone knows Post-It™ Notes as the workplace infection that shows up on computer monitors and cubicle walls like so many sores reminding us of what things we should have already done, but there are benefits to these sticky notes many overlook. These can remind you what to do, but used properly, they can also make you very successful.

Consider some of the following, more creative uses for Post-It™ Notes:

1 – In a pinch, you can use them to cover small holes in your yellow clothing.

2 – Though making whole outfits from sticky notes is not advised, they can make a nice hula skirt trim to make your casual Friday that much more festive.

3 – If you are caught napping at your computer, as pictured here, you are sure to lose your job on the spot. Consider using Post-It™ Notes to cover your sleeping eyes with ones that appear bright, cheerful and attentive. Since many managers are short-sighted, it's likely they won't notice the difference.

4 – If someone has recently died in your office, you may have inherited a window cube because of it. If so, you may suffer from eye-straining glare with no reasonable way to stop it. A simple fold in the paper will allow you to stick temporary, fashionable visors to your forehead without any fear that the glue will damage your knotted brow.

5 – Use Sticky notes to solve that pesky voicemail problem. If you have too many voicemail messages coming in throughout the day, you may be stressed out by the never ending sight of the blinking red light. A small cutout of a sticky note, or a whole note carefully placed, can be used to cover that blinking light for a few hours, a few days, or until you're eventually relieved of your job duties. Just imagine how productive you'll be once freed from checking voicemail all day.

6 – If you're anything like me, you can't grow the respectable girth of facial hair often required to earn that big raise you deserve. Don't sweat it; cut it. Just tear your sticky notes in the shape of handsome mutton chops or a stylish moustache, stick it on, and you're back in the running. You may wish to color it in with the hair patterns first, unless your hair color is a pale yellow.

7 – Likewise, if you are bald or balding, don't waste your money on costly creams and potions or risky surgery, but draw the hair you want on the Post-It™ notes you have, and stick 'em where you gotta. This is a double-benefit, because it's effective and you can let your boss bear the costs of your improved, youthful good looks.

8 – Hanging beads made for annoying doorways in the 70s, but it said something about the people who bought them. Although it may have only said "I smoke weed", you can still adopt this decorative touch by lining edges of your inbox with Post-It™ Notes. This will send the message that you're serious about office supplies while only modestly irritating your coworkers.

Although there are many more creative uses for Post-It™ Notes that can help you get ahead in business, these are a good starter for you. As needed, we can write a follow up for you to help you with your advanced uses of this ubiquitous tool.

In closing, it is important to point out that staples should not be used to affix sticky notes to human skin, even if the adhesive seems insufficient. The harm caused by staples may seem insignificant, but the risk of infection is not worth the potential benefit.

By Brian K. White

Stealing Office Supplies - What's Up

Stealing Office Supplies - What's Up

By Paul V. Cameron (Nov 29, 2006)

Courtesy of GlossyNews.com

A recent report indicated that more young workers (1 in 5) tend to steal office supplies than older workers (1 in 10) without thinking it is wrong. 25% versus 12% had taken supplies home in the previous year. There was nothing in the report indicating how many employees had been caught taking supplies and how many were fired, are in jail, or have been executed for such behavior.

To explain these results, it is necessary to talk to the experts. One expert is Melvin P. Hensworth, Professor Emeritus at Barnsworth College, NH. Professor Hensworth has studied employee theft for years and, as he revealed, has he himself never been caught. Hensworth is the author of some of the most important research and authorships in this field. Among his many publications are:

- Stealing from Your Employer - What Works (1991)
- Paperclips, Paper, and Pens - Oh My! (1995)
- Supplement Your Income Fencing Office Supplies (2002)
- Office Supplies The Gift that Keeps on Giving (2005)

Hensorth advises that employees fall into two categories - those who take stuff and those who don't. His focus is on those who do. He admitted some employees may take office supplies home accidentally - a pen stuck in a pocket, a stapler that fell into a briefcase, a photocopier that somehow ended up in the back of a truck. Hensworth is not interested in these employees.

"They are absent minded, but not thieves," said Hensworth.

"The typical office supply thief," says Hensworth, "Is someone who is morally flexible. They're always able to justify their behavior through some kind of rationalization."

Some common rationalizations are:

- I get paid so much per hour plus whatever I can take
- They don't pay me enough not to steal
- It's not like it's not going to get used
- No, I bought these from Staples. I don't know what happened to YOUR supplies,
- Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanza/Ramadan: Office supplies make great gifts,
- The voices in my head said it was okay,
- Aliens, definitely, definitely aliens - or maybe those people under the cupboards.

Office supply thieves can be opportunistic or cagey. They can either act in the moment or they might make detailed plans to remove office equipment during a weekend or under the guise of taking it out for repair. Some have been known to slip their office supply needs onto the office order form. Although, a 'gross of condoms' may be difficult to explain to your company's auditor. Hensworth says, in such cases, revert to the technical name - call it a 'gross of prophylactics' instead and then, if questioned, just say you thought you were ordering stamps.

Hensworth doesn't see the office supply removal problem slowing down anytime soon. They're easily accessible unless you work for a bunch of crazies who count every pencil, eraser, and paperclip. Occasionally employees will snag office supplies for home and personal use mainly because they are too lazy or too cheap to buy their own. Some, due to undiagnosed mental health issues, will hoard supplies in preparation for the coming apocalypse. Although, one wonders what need there will be for seventeen staplers after Armageddon hits. Still, better safe than sorry.

So, between the kleptomaniacs, survivalists, cheapskates, and basic thieves it's a wonder any company can keep any supplies on hand to meet its, and its employee's needs. Hensworth offers this advice to those companies - buy only the cheapest, lousiest supplies - pencils that break if you press too hard, paper with wood chips in them, pens that skip, staplers that jam.

Says Hensworth, "In this scenario only the most desparate or unfeeling or nuttiest of employees will want to take these for personal use. There may be some grumbling from some who prefer quality office supplies, but they will be in the minority or will leave for a company with better quality supplies. In the end, your bottom line will be better off and, in business as in life, it's the bottom line that matters most."

Hensworth added that bosses should have their own secret stock of good quality office supplies. The crappy stuff is okay for staff, but bosses need to maintain an image. A quality image. Which can't be done with pencils made in Goodenoughistan.

Oh, yes, and the bosses' supplies should be kept in a secure location away from the envious, prying eyes of employees. The focus should be on work not on why there are two sets of standards - one for staff and one for management - that's just the way things are and employees should just get used to it.