'Why Using White-Out is More Fun'

Why Using White-Out is More Fun

By Brian K White at 04/23/2007 21:10

If you've ever had a desk in a place where you work, it's almost certain you've known the magical benefits of White Out and what it can do for you. In the unlikely event you're new to this whole arena of workplace delight, you can still use the following list as a handy reference for the fun that is to come, specifically thanks to White Out.

• You can artificially make exciting even the dullest of filler words.
• It can cover that pesky drop of coffee you couldn't otherwise hide on your shirt or tie
• Especially in the case of boring, interoffice memos, it can make such boring subjects as "the time of the meeting on Monday" seem romantic and sexy, just by needlessly blocking them out.
• When the FBI comes in to do an audit, they'll spend countless hours scraping it up just to verify what you've always asserted; that you have nothing to hide. For the sake of fun, start by whiting out words like "the", "and", "to", and single digits of telephone numbers.
• Assuming you've invented human invisibility, only to accidentally inflict yourself with it, this will give your teeth that bright, white luster people expect from real, visible teeth.
• If your Styrofoam coffee cup gets that "not so ivory" appearance, you can cover over even the most pesky stains of coffee or cocoa with just a quick dab or two of White Out.
• In the unlikely event your manager requires legal-sized sheets of paper in white, instead of the standard yellow, don't fret or sweat it, just paint over the entire sheet with a mere buck-or-two of White Out per page. Sure it makes for lumpy writing, but he or she isn't likely to actually use it anyhow.
• You called in sick but went skiing, and today you have an unholy red ring of raccoon eyes from your ski-slope sunburn. You can worry that you'll lose your job for the lie so undeniable, or you can make the very best of it by covering up the reddest parts of your tender punum with broad strokes of white out. It's not like you're going out for any kind of beauty contest this week, so liberally apply the liquid paper correction to your nose, forehead and cheeks as needed. If you are asked about the texture, insist you have a skin disorder, and that you're in fact quite sensitive about the whole issue.
• If you are a personal assistant, and your boss asks for 7-Up or Sprite, but all you have is cold coffee from yesterday so stale it's already begun to bubble of its own accord, don't admit you've brought the wrong drink, but instead coat the outside of that clear, plastic cup with white out. If it's clear, you're in the clear, and your promotion can't be too far behind.
• If you break off a bicuspid right before that big meeting that could make or break your career, glue a niblet of corn to your jagged chomper and paint it white. Not only will it pass for a legitimate tooth, but an exceptionally pasty one at that.
• Assuming you take prolonged, six-or-so hour naps in your cubicle, it's imperative that you appear to be awake. Nothing says "my eyes are open and I'm working" like insuring the whites of your eyes are plainly visible. Use White Out in the graphic murals you paint on your eyelids that look as though your eyes are open. Think about it, if they can see white in the place where your eyes ought to be, they must be open and you must be awake. While you're at it, make sure the pupils aren't pointing all callywompus googley, because that isn't convincing a bit. This list, however long it may be, is by no means exhaustive. Count on Office1000.com to post even more handy uses for White Out in the future.